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Mehrzad Shariati Eight simple anger management tips
Eight simple anger management tips
Build anger management skills to help reduce stress
NEW bonus tip included!
by David Leonhardt
"The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."
One of the biggest obstacles to personal and career success is anger. When we fail to control our anger, we suffer several blows:
• Anger impedes our ability to be happy, because anger and happiness are incompatible.
• Anger sends marriages and other family relationships off-course.
• Anger reduces our social skills, compromising other relationships, too.
• Anger means lost business, because it destroys relationships.
• Anger also means losing business that you could have won in a more gracious mood.
• Anger leads to increased stress (ironic, since stress often increases anger).
• We make mistakes when we are angry, because anger makes it harder to process information.
People are beginning to wake up to the dangers of anger and the need for anger management skills and strategies. Many people find anger easy to control. Yes, they do get angry. Everybody does. But some people find anger easier to manage than others. More people need to develop anger management skills.
Develop your anger management skills
For those who have a tough time controlling their anger, an anger management plan might help. Think of this as your emotional control class, and try these self-help anger management tips:
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #1
Ask yourself this question: "Will the object of my anger matter ten years from now?" Chances are, you will see things from a calmer perspective.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #2
Ask yourself: "What is the worst consequence of the object of my anger?" If someone cut in front of you at the book store check-out, you will probably find that three minutes is not such a big deal.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #3
Imagine yourself doing the same thing. Come on, admit that you sometimes cut in front of another driver, too ... sometimes by accident. Do you get angry at yourself?
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #4
Ask yourself this question: "Did that person do this to me on purpose?" In many cases, you will see that they were just careless or in a rush, and really did not mean you any harm.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #5
Try counting to ten before saying anything. This may not address the anger directly, but it can minimize the damage you will do while angry.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #6
Try some "new and improved" variations of counting to ten. For instance, try counting to ten with a deep slow breathe in between each number. Deep breathing -- from your diaphragm -- helps people relax.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #7
Or try pacing your numbers as you count. The old "one-steamboat-two-steamboat, etc." trick seems kind of lame to me. Steamboats are not the best devices to reduce your steam. How about "One-chocolate-ice-cream-two-chocolate-ice-cream", or use something else that you find either pleasant or humorous.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #8
Visualize a relaxing experience. Close your eyes, and travel there in your mind. Make it your stress-free oasis.
NEW BONUS ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #7
I ran this one in my Daily Dose of Happiness: Here is how one of your fellow subscribers handles Anger:
"If ever I am angry towards some other people, I've learned not to just utter bad words but rather I write on a journal all what I could have said to somebody and after going through it again and again I sort of get relieved and forgive and forget what the other person did to me. That has saved me a lot."
I then ran a follow-up:
A short while ago, I ran an item from a subscriber about using journaling techniques to dispel anger, in much the same (or opposite?) way that one would use a gratitude journal. Here is a reply another of our subscribers shared with me:
"I am one of those people who pour everything they think and feel into my journals. I also write out my frustrations and anger and when it is all out of my system, i burn the pages,purging not only the journal of the negativism, but also myself......... I don't have to relive the event, or the feelings for they are gone and no longer a part of my life. I leave my journals with a raggedy edge here and there, and i know that i must have had a bad day, but that it passed and i moved on to the rest of my abundantly happy and fulfilling life."
One thing I do not recommend is "venting" your anger. Sure, a couple swift blows to your pillow might make you feel better (better, at least, than the same blows to the door!), but research shows that "venting" anger only increases it. In fact, speaking or acting with any emotion simply rehearses, practices and builds that emotion.
If these tips do not help and you still feel you lack sufficient anger management skills, you might need some professional help, either in the form of a therapist specializing in anger management or a coach with a strong background in psychology.
Mehrzad Shariati Anger-management programs: issues and suggestions: a one-size-fits-all approach doesn't work
Anger-management programs: issues and suggestions: a one-size-fits-all approach doesn't work.
By Deffenbacher, Jerry L.
Publication: Behavioral Health Management
Date: Monday, November 1 2004
Anger-management programs are springing up to meet societal needs for reducing anger and aggression. Individuals with anger problems may volunteer for such programs or may attend them as part of agreements for continued employment, school attendance, probation, and the like. This article outlines several issues and suggestions for providing anger-management programs.
Use research-supported interventions, and tailor them to user needs. Anger-reduction research is relatively new
compared with research on reducing anxiety and depression. Anger-reduction research is hampered by the absence of DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for anger and reasonably well-established outcome measures. Most anger-reduction programs and classes in the community have not been adequately evaluated. Nonetheless, controlled outcome research to date shows anger-management programs are generally effective and better than no intervention. Positive findings support (1) relaxation interventions providing skills to reduce emotional and physiologic arousal; (2) cognitive interventions changing anger-engendering attitudes, beliefs, and self-talk; (3) social/communication/assertion skills programs developing alternative ways of handling situations to abort or reduce anger and negative interactions; and (4) combinations of these.
Thus, a research base from which to develop programs exists. Program developers consulting a study relevant to their needs should contact the study's authors and ask for treatment manuals or outlines, and some treatment protocols and accompanying manuals are available commercially. (1,2)
Anger-management programs are not one-size-fits-all, however. Programs for anger-involved medical patients, angry-abusive parents, angry youth referred by schools, and angry drivers may differ appropriately. The contexts of anger, forms of expression involved, and consequences of anger differ in these populations. Needed skills and strategies for effective anger reduction are also likely to differ. Client characteristics should be assessed and programs should be designed to address these specific needs.
Consider group therapy. Research shows anger management can be done effectively in groups. Groups are efficient and offer opportunities for sharing, discussion, feedback, and flexibility for rehearsing anger-reduction strategies. Unless legal, ethical, and therapeutic considerations argue against it, a group should be considered. While groups offer many advantages, it is important that they not degenerate into complaint sessions or settings in which anger is reinforced rather than reduced.
Allot time for practice. Information about anger-management strategies is often insufficient for change. Clients often need repeated practice and personalization before anger-reduction skills become applied readily. Time and attention within and between sessions should be devoted to active rehearsal of anger-management skills. For example, within sessions clients might visualize anger-arousing situations, become angry momentarily; and then rehearse anger-reduction strategies. Between sessions clients can apply anger-reduction skills and record their efforts. This homework can be discussed and integrated into the next session.
It is easy for this practice component to be lost in anger-management classes. In an effort to ensure all the material is covered, leaders often include more information and eliminate or dramatically reduce application and rehearsal activities. Staff should resist adding more information at the expense of practice. Increasing the length or number of sessions should be considered before jettisoning this important element of effective anger reduction.
Consider coexisting problems. Many people with anger problems have other coexisting problems. For example, angry-abusive parents may benefit from anger management but may also need information about reasonable, developmentally appropriate expectations and parenting skills. Anger management may play an important role, but other interventions and/or referrals may be necessary.
Address resistance and readiness. Individuals with anger problems of ten feel they are being told they are wrong, they are the problem and they, not others, must change. They may react defensively, discount anger management, resist change and, in some cases, terminate participation prematurely. Anger-reduction programs should address this resistance. For example, therapists need not agree with everything an angry client says, but they should listen carefully and communicate an understanding of perceived injuries, losses, and injustices. If relaxation interventions are employed, introduce them early, because they reduce resistance and build the therapeutic alliance.
Some clients acknowledge problems with anger and are ready for interventions focusing on anger reduction. Others are not ready; anger is not their problem, they claim--others are to blame. Anger is denied, minimized, and/or externalized. Anger and aggression are seen as reasonable, justified responses. No matter how much anger is seen as a problem by others, such individuals do not see their anger as a personal problem in need of change. However, they may be sent or mandated to an anger-management program. Mixing them into anger-reduction programs is frustrating to them and those trying to learn anger-reduction strategies and often undermines the program's effectiveness. Client readiness should be assessed and programs should be developed specifically to address issues associated with low client readiness for change. For example, angry individuals who externalize anger and blame might receive an intervention focusing on self-monitoring of anger episodes, identifying short- and long-term positive and negative consequences of their anger and confronting beliefs that they should not be exposed to, experience, or have to cope with frustrating events.
Clarify confidentiality and reporting. Anger is associated with an increased potential for violence. If danger to self or others is present, staff must break confidence and take steps to warn potential victims and prevent harm. This duty to warn should be openly discussed with clients, who should sign and retain statements acknowledging their understanding of this condition. There also may be other stakeholders such as schools, courts, and employers who reasonably want feedback on the person's anger reduction. All parties should agree on what information will be shared and with whom. The nature and conditions of reporting should be clarified and summarized in a written document signed and retained by all involved, including the client.
Programs also should have clear policies and procedures for dealing with an aggressive person on-site. Procedures should be reviewed and rehearsed frequently (e.g., monthly) so that everyone, especially new employees, knows exactly what to do in case of an aggressive incident or violent emergency.
Be realistic about what can be achieved. Anger and anger expression are often highly overlearned, lifelong habits. These habits are not changed easily, even in motivated clients. Many states have recognized this for intimate partner violence and have mandated reasonable lengths of time for such programs. Yet many individuals and systems hold unreasonable expectations for anger-management programs. They expect a four- or five-session program to "cure" the person so he/she is never angry again.
Providers should not accept this expectation. Programs should be designed to reduce anger in specific populations. Length, number of sessions, and program activities should be dictated by these goals, not by arbitrary time limits established by well-meaning people who do not understand fully the difficulties of achieving anger reduction. Providers need to be realistic about what they can achieve and need to educate potential users about what can be expected. Providers should consider not offering a program unless they are assured of reasonable resources in terms of time and conditions of programming.
Evaluate programs. If anger-reduction programs are to be credible services, they should be able to provide information to prospective users. Information on types of programs, length, costs, provider training and qualifications, etc., should be readily available. Outcome-related information should also be available. Programs should document attendance, dropout rates, and user satisfaction scores. Client anger and anger expression prior to, immediately after, and at follow-up (e.g., three and six months) should be assessed and summarized. It is best if evaluation is agreed to as a condition of involvement (i.e., participants agree to complete assessments as part of being in the program).
Standardized instruments such as the State-Trait Anger Expression Inventory (3) may be relevant, but other instruments can be developed or adapted for specific anger-reduction programs. Use measures in the public domain. For example, the Driving Anger Scale (4) and Driving Anger Expression Inventory (5) can be used to evaluate programs for angry drivers. Contact authors of unpublished scales and ask permission to use their scales. Permission often is attained easily. If measures are being developed by program staff, write items that: (1) concretely address program goals, (2) are easily understood, (3) have clear and meaningful rating instructions, and (4) are subjected to reliability analysis.
Deal with issues of diagnosis and reimbursement before beginning an anger-management program. There are no anger-based DSM-IV diagnoses. Some anger-involved clients meet criteria for intermittent explosive disorder, impulse disorder not otherwise specified, or other anger-involved diagnoses (e.g., borderline personality disorder). However, many anger-involved clients do not meet established diagnostic criteria. If fee-for-service is tied to psychiatric diagnosis, this places anger-management programs in the ethical/professional dilemma of no appropriate diagnosis yet clear service need. Providers should discuss and resolve this issue with potential clients, insurance companies, and other payers (e.g., school systems, employers, probation offices) prior to initiating services.
Attending to issues such as those outlined above should make anger-management programs more clear, credible, and effective for clients, staff, other stakeholders, and ultimately for society-at-large.
RELATED ARTICLE: Breaking free of anger's grasp.
In the recently published book The Anger Trap: Free yourself From the Frustrations That Sabotage your Life, Les Carter, PhD, chief resident psychotherapist at the Minirth Clinic in Richardson, Texas, explains how to overcome unhealthy anger and improve relationships. Although written for the person struggling with anger issues, providers might find some of Dr. Carter's insights useful in helping their clients. Below are excerpts selected by the staff of Behavioral Health Management.
Through the years, as I have counseled with hundreds of people trying to make sense of their anger, I have learned one thing. There is always something more that feeds the anger than what is observed on the surface. Angry people may appear strong, willful, or certain, but be assured that beneath the veneer are fear and loneliness and insecurity and pain. Especially, there is pain. Whether they admit it or not, angry people are hurt people, and they have somehow come to believe that they can resolve their own pain by inflicting pain upon others. Their reasoning is usually subconscious; nonetheless,each time anger is misapplied, it is a reflection of a deep wound that longs to be healed.
One primary tension that inhibits successful anger management is your struggle for control. Virtually any time you handle your anger maladaptively, you are attempting to respond to perceived control from others by grabbing control for yourself. Angry people often describe how others are bossy, invalidating, stubborn, illogical,or uncaring. Feeling offended by such behavior, you may nurse the thought: This is unacceptable, I've got to respond in a way that clearly shows that I won't allow myself to be subjected to foul treatment.
Although there may be a reasonable message behind the angry feeling, angry people can sabotage the legitimacy of the message as they rationalize that they can and should take the power position to get their message across. They may then resort to dogmatic statements, forceful communication, stubborn noncompliance,or dosed-mindedness, just to mention a few of the many controlling behaviors that accompany anger.
Excerpted from The Anger Trap by Dr: Les Carter (September 2003, $21.95, cloth) by permission of Jossey-Bass, a Wiley imprint. For information on purchasing The Anger Trap, visit http://www.angerexpert.com, or visit our local bookstore.
References
(1.) Deffenbacher JL, McKay M. Overcoming Situational and General Anger: Therapist Protocol. Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger Publications, 2000.
(2.) Deffenbacher JL, McKay M. Overcoming Situational and General Anger: Client Manual. Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger Publications, 2000.
(3.) Spielberger CD. State-Trait Anger Expression Inventory-2 (STAXI-2). Odessa, Fla.: Psychological Assessment Resources, 1999.
(4.) Deffenbacher IL, Oetting ER, Lynch RS. Development of a driving anger scale. Psychol Rep 1994;74:83 91.
(5.) Deffenbacher JL, Lynch RS, Oetting ER, Swaim RC. The driving anger expression inventory: A measure of how people express their anger on the road. Behav Res Ther 2002;40: 717-37.
Jerry L. Deffenbacher, PhD, is a Professor of Psychology at Colorado State University. His research interests have focused on the nature and consequences of anger and on effective interventions. He has coauthored a manual on an empirically supported intervention for anger reduction, Overcoming Situational and General Anger (New Harbinger Publications, 2000). For more information, call (970) 491-6871 .
To comment, send e-mail to deffenbacher1104@ behavioral. net. To order reprints in quantities of 100 or more, call (866) 377-6454 .
In our company developed a practical system and without much involvement of others to solve the problem of stress or (anger) commonly known.
To meet the customer, the attendant stress that, first of all, should take the place of the customer, that is, if the client as he would like to be answered?
It occurs to him to make contacts with suppliers: - If the supplier makes many demands are not angry with this, there is in his place and see if you do not require the same as you are demanding! to make a transparent and secure business.
Are simple rules and has brought positive results in our company.
Luiz Afonso Donati Pasko
Socio-owner of the House of Perfumes Donati Pasko
Serap Altekin Kızgınlık ve öfkenin öteki yüzü : Kızgınlıkla etkin baş etme / TR
KIZGINLIK VE ÖFKENİN ÖTEKİ YÜZÜ
Serap Altekin
Uzman Klinik Psikolog
Öfke içsel ya da dışsal herhangi bir durum, olay veya uyaran karşısında oluşan; duygusal, düşünsel, bedensel ve fizyolojik bileşenleri olan bir tepkidir.
Öfke daha çok bir sonuçtur aslında. Öfkelenmemize esas neden olan şey durumun, olayın veya uyaranın kendisi değil, bizim o durumu nasıl algıladığımız, nasıl yorumladığımız, aklımızdan o an ne geçtiği ve ne düşündüğümüzdür. Duygularımız ile düşünce, algı ve yorumlarımız arasında karşılıklı bir etkileşim vardır. Bu açıdan bakıldığında, kızgınlık veya öfke duygusu tek başına ’’sağlıksız’’, ’’tehlikeli’’ ya da ’’tehditkar’’ değildir. Bunu bir problem haline getiren şey, ona eşlik eden düşünce, anlam, algı ve yorumla birlikte onu ifade ve dışavurum şeklimizdir, davranışlarımızdır.
Kızgınlık ve öfke, her insan tarafından yaşanan olağan duygulardandır. Ancak herkes tarafından farklı sıklıkta ve farklı şekilde yaşanır; herkesi kızdıran şeyler farklı olabileceği gibi; birçok insan kızgınlığı ve öfkeyi farklı şekillerde tanımlayabilir, onu farklı şeylere benzetebilir. Kızgınlık ve öfke yaratan unsurlar çok çeşitli olmakla birlikte genel olarak üç kategoride toplanabilir :
1. Rahatsız edici fiziksel uyaranlar ve durumlar; (komşudan gelen gürültüler, kötü bir koku, yüzünüze tutulan ışık, el şakaları...)
2. Finansal bedeli, bir maliyeti olan durumlar; (borsada para kaybetmek, değerli bir eşyanın kaybı veya hasarı, bir şeyin arızlanması...)
3. Kural, değer ve prensiplerimize uygun olmayan, sınırımızı zorlayan olaylar ve durumlar; (yalan, riya, ikiyüzlülük, önyargı, dedikodu, adaletsizlik, haksızlık, istismar, taciz, saygısızlık, tembellik...)
Gerek Türkiye’de gerekse dünya genelinde yapılan araştırmalara göre insanları en çok kızdıran, öfkelendiren şeyler arasında; trafik sıkışıklığı, vergiler, adaletsizlikler, önyargılar, yalan, istismar, kabalık, saygısızlık, beklemek, bekletilmek, belirsizlikler, programsızlıklar, gürültü ve kalabalık gibi durumlar sayılabilmektedir. Kızgınlık ve öfke kavramlarının her insan için farklı çağrışımları vardır. Kimilerine göre öfke baldan tatlı, kimilerine göre ise keskin sirke ! Kimileri için gürültülü, kıpkırmızı, hararetli bir patlamadır; kimileri içinse sessiz, gergin ve soğuktur. Kimileri öfkeyi, acıyla, gözyaşıyla ve yıkımla özdeşleştirirken, kimilerinde de öfke, korku ve kaygı uyandırır.
Kızgınlık ve öfke ikincil duygulardır... Bir defanstır...
Kızgınlık ve öfke duygularıyla, kaygı ve korku duyguları ve çaresizlik hissi daima el ele gider. Çoğu zaman gerçek duygumuz, altta yatan hislerimiz hayal kırıklığı, üzüntü, endişe, kaygı, korku, kıskançlık ya da utanç olsa da; en sıklıkla ve nedense en kolaylıkla dışavurduğumuz duygu kızgınlık ve öfkedir. Öfke çoğunlukla; kaygı ve korkunun yarattığı çaresizlik hissiyle baş etmek için ortaya çıkan bir defanstır; bir savunma mekanizmasıdır. Saldırganlık ve şiddet kullanımı; çaresizlik ve değersizlik hislerine karşı defansif olarak ortaya çıkan tepkilerdir. Kırılganlıklarımızı, hayal kırıklıklarımızı veya üzüntümüzü bastırıp, keskin bir öfkeye dönüştürmek bazen insanı geçici olarak daha güçlü ve iyi hissettirir. Ancak asıl yapıcı olan, kızgınlık ve öfkenin altında yatan gerçek duyguları anlamaktır.
Thomas Gordon’a göre üzüntü, kırgınlık, hayal kırıklığı, endişe, merak, kaygı, korku gibi acı veren zor duygular kelimelere dökülemeyince, açıklanamayınca ve yaşanamayınca donar, katılaşır ve bir buzdağına dönüşür. Buzdağının görünen yüzü kızgınlıktır, öfkedir; ancak buzdağının sular alında kalan bölümünde ise gerçekte yaşanmakta olan başka duygular yer almaktadır.
Duygu repertuarımız zengindir. Her duygunun da bir işlevi, bir yararı, bizi koruyan ve bize güç veren bir yanı vardır. Kızgınlık, ve onun daha yoğun ve şiddetli şekli olan öfke bu duygulardan sadece biridir.
Kızgınlık bazen gereklidir, işlevseldir...
Kızgınlık son derece normal ve insani bir duygulanımdır. Yapıcı kullanıldığında, bizi koruyan, ilişikiyi zenginleştiren ve iletişimi verimli kılan bir niteliktedir.
Kızgınlığın en temel işlevi insanoğlunun hayatta kalabilmesi ve kendini koruyabilmesi için gerektiğinde alarm durumuna geçmesini sağlayarak, varlığını korumaktır. Belirli ölçüde gerilim, stres veya kızgınlık bazen iyi bir itici güç oluşturur ve motivasyon sağlar. Gerekli enerjiyi ve gücü bulabilmemizi ve kullanabilmemizi sağlar.
Kızgınlık bir iletişim unsurudur aynı zamanda, bir mesaj iletir; değişmesi gereken bir şeylere işaret eder; sınırınızı belirlemenize ve korumanıza yardımcı olur. Ve bu yolla da benlik imajınızı ve kendinize güveninizi korur; zira insan bireysel sınırını ve benliğini koruyabildiği, kendini etkin bir biçimde ifade edebildiği ve dışavurabildiği ölçüde güçlü hisseder; kendine olan güveni ve olumlu benlik imajı gelişir.
Kızgınlık bazen de sosyal bir düzenleyici işlevindedir; sosyal değerleri ve normları korur, sosyal yaşamı düzenlemeye katkıda bulunur; bireyle toplum arasındaki sınırları ve kuralları belirlemede yardımcıdır.
Duygu ile davranışı, kızgınlık ile saldırganlığı ayırt etmek önemlidir...
Duygu ile davranış aynı şey değildir. Duygu, davranışa yön verebilir; davranışlarımızı etkileyip şekillendirebilir; ama asla bire bir belirlemez. Kişinin kızgınlığını nasıl dışavurduğu tamamen kişinin seçimi ve sorumluluğudur.
Kızgın hissetmekle saldırgan davranmak aynı şey değildir. Saldırganlık, sözel veya fiziksel şiddet içeren, nefret ve düşmanlık taşıyan, baskı ve zor kullanan yıkıcı davranış ve tutumlardır.
Kızgınlığı, öfkeye dönüştüren; onu tehlikeli, yıkıcı ve sağlıksız yapan şey saldırganlıkla dışavurumudur. Oysa kızgınlık, doğal, normal ve insanca duygulardan biridir. Kızgınlığı, bağırıp çağırmadan, şiddet kullanmadan, kendimize ve karşımızdakine zarar vermeden, iletişimi ve ilişkiyi zedelemeden ifade etmenin yapıcı yolları da vardır. Önemli olan, kızgınlığı ifade etmek, kelimelere dökmek ve bunu yaparken de ilişkiyi ve iletişimi korumak ve sürdürebilmektir.
Çocukluk deneyimlerimiz önemli ve belirleyicidir...
Çocukken birilerini kızgın, öfkeli gördüğünüzde ya da birileri size kızdığında size neler olurdu ? Ne düşünürdünüz ? Ne hissedersiniz ? Ne yapardınız ?
Çocukluğunuzda, kızgınlığı ve öfkeyi nasıl yaşardınız ? Nasıl dışavururdunuz ? Nasıl ifade ederdiniz ? Kızdığınızda ne yapardınız ?
Kızgınlık ve öfke karşısında nasıl hissettiğimiz ve kendi kızgınlığımızı nasıl yaşadığımız büyük ölçüde çocukluktaki ilk deneyimlerimizle şekillenir.
Anne, baba ve diğer aile bireyleri, çocuğun ilk ve en uzun süre etkileşimde bulunduğu kişilerdir. Dolayısıyla anne-baba tutum ve davranışları çocuklar için bir model, bir referans teşkil eder. Kızgınlığımızı nasıl dışavuracağımızı, nasıl ifade edeceğimizi öncelikle aile sistemi içindeki rol modellerinden öğreniriz. Ancak bu öğrenme ve modelleme süreci son derece karmaşıktır. Evde öfke, şiddet, baskı ve saldırganlık varsa, çoğu zaman çocuk da aynı davranışları benimser; kızgınlığını, öfkesini ve hayal kırıklığını yıkıcı ve saldırgan bir biçimde dışavurmayı, yaşamayı öğrenir. Çocuklar, onlara söylediklerinizden çok yaptıklarınızı baz alırlar ve onlar da aynılarını yaparlar. Bazı durumlarda ise aile içinde şiddete ve saldırgan tutumlara maruz kalan çocuk, yaşadığı korku, kaygı ve dehşetle içe kapanır, kendini geri çeker; kızgınlığını, üzüntüsünü veya kırılganlıklarını içine atma yolunu benimser. Her iki durumda da sonuç, bu çocuklar için riskli ve yıkıcıdır; çünkü kızgınlığın kontrolsüzce dışavurumu agresyona ve ciddi ilişkisel problemlere neden olurken, tamamen bastırılması ise depresyona zemin hazırlar.
Öfke kılık değiştirir !
Kızgınlık ve öfkenin farklı farklı dışavurumları vardır...
Kimileri her an patlamaya hazır bir saatli bomba gibidir, saldırgandır. Kimileri ise susar, içine atar, biriktirir.
Kimileri imalı ve iğneli sözlerle kimileri ise enerjisini başka birşeylere kanalize ederek dışavurur kızgınlığını.
Bazen de gücü yeten yetene kızar; zincirleme gider tepkiler. Patronun çalışanına, o çalışan adamın evde eşine, o eşin çocuğa, çocuğun kardeşine, en küçük kardeşin de evin kedisine kızması gibi...
Kimileri bastırılmış kızgınlıklarını, temizlik ve titizlikle; kimileri ise alışverişle yaşar. Kimileri hınç alır gibi yemek yer kızınca, kimilerininse iştahı kapanır... Bazılarının uykuları kaçar, bazıları ise dalgınlaşır...
Bazen de ifade edilememiş, dışavurulamamış ve bastırılmış kızgınlıklar; vücudumuzun bir yerlerinde ağrılar, uyuşmalar, kistler veya enfeksiyonlar olarak ifade bulur !
Stresin ve öfkenin fizyolojik etkileri yoğun ve faturası ağırdır...
 Soluk alıp vermede hızlanma
 Kalp atışlarında hızlanma
 Tansiyon yükselmesi
 Kas geriliminin artması
 Terleme
 Titreme
 Yüzde kızarma, sararma
 Baş ağrısı, baş dönmesi
 Mide şikayetleri; ağrı, bulantı ver yanmalar
 Bağışıklık sisteminde zayıflama
 Hastalanma riskinde yükselme
 Hafıza ve düşünme süreçlerinde zayıflama
 Uyku problemleri
 Cinsel problemler
 Üretkenlikte ve verimde düşüş
 Kronik yorgunluk ve isteksizlik
Keskin sirke nelere zarar ?
Öncelikle küpüne ! Kronik stres, gerilim, kızgınlık, öfke ve saldırganlık, kişinin fiziksel sağlığını belirgin derecede olumsuz etkiler; bağışıklık sistemini zayıflatır, kalp ve damar hastalıkları riskini arttırır, mide şikayetlerini ve baş ağrılarını tetikler...
Kişilerarası ilişkilere zarar verir; ilişkisel problemlere ve sosyal yalnızlaşmaya zemin hazırlar...
İşyerinde kişilerarası ilişkilere olumsuz yansımaları olur; işleyişi aksatır; işbirliğini, motivasyonu, verimi ve yaşam kalitesini düşürür...
Başta depresyon olmak üzere, ruhsal problemlere zemin hazırlar.
Peki, ne yapmalı ?
Kızgınlık ve öfke ile etkin baş etmek için neler yapılabilir ?
1. Algınızı ve yorumunuzu değiştirin ; Duygularımız, düşüncelerimiz ve davranışlarımız arasında karşılıklı bir etkileşim vardır. Herhangi bir olay veya durum tek başına olumlu ya da olumsuz bir değere sahip değildir; ona anlam yükleyen bizim onu algılama ve yorumlama biçimimizdir. Dolayısıyla, bakış açımızı ve algılama biçimimizi gözden geçirmek, duygularımızda ve davranışlarımızda da bir değişimi beraberinde getirecektir.
Örneğin, bir davranışına kızdığınız bir kişi hakkında; “Bana böyle davranıyor”, ’’Kasıtlı olarak bana böyle yapıyor’’ şeklinde düşündüğünüz zaman, kızmanız, öfkelenmeniz kaçınılmazdır. Bunun yerine, “Bu adamın ilişki kurma biçimi böyle’’, ’’Aslında birçok kişiye aynı şekilde davranıyor” biçiminde algıladığınız zaman, olay kişisel olmaktan çıkacak, salt durum tanımına ve problem tespitine dönüşecektir; doğal olarak bu durumda hissedecekleriniz daha sakin ve ılımlı olacaktır.
Algı ve yorumlama biçiminizi değiştirmek konusundaki bir diğer örnekse, kızdığınız olayı ve olay anını dondurmaktır ! O anı dondurun ve düşünün : Bu olay acaba bir hafta sonra sizin gündeminizde olamaya değecek nitelikte bir olay mı ? Acaba üç ay sonra bugün kızdığınız bu olayın, sizin hayatınızda önemli bir yeri olacak mı ? Ya bir yıl sonra ? Ya on yıl sonra ?... Evrenin ve insanlığın milyonlarca yıllık bir geçmişi var, ve belki de daha milyonlarca yıllık bir geleceği... Günlük hayatımızın içinde yaşadığımız, kafamızın takıldığı, kızdığımız olayların her birini düşünün, acaba tüm hayatımız içinde, tüm evren düzeni içinde ne kadarlık bir yer kaplıyor ?
2. Çatışma ve problem çözme becerilerinizi geliştirin ; Çatışma veya problemlerle karşılaştığınızda, önce problemi net bir biçimde tanımlayın. Tanımladığınız problemi tam karşınıza koyun ve birlikte düşünün. Alternatifler ve çözümler üretmeye çalışın. En uygun çözümü ve uzlaşmayı belirleyip uygulayın.
3. Mizahı, hayatınızın bir parçası haline getirin ! Mizah; buzları kırar, gerilimi azaltır. Ağrı kesici, kas gevşetici, mutluluk ve enerji verici, uyku düzenleyici bir dopingdir ! Aynı zamanda iletişimde işbirliğinin önünü açar...
4. Aikidoyu düşünün ve sözel aikido yapın ! Aikido, evrenle ve özle uyum içinde olma yoludur.
Aİ : ahenk, uyum, harmoni
Kİ : öz, köken, toprak, soy
DO : yol, öğreti
Ueshiba der ki ;
“Öfkeyle saldırmayı düşünen; evrene karşı gelmiş olacağından, daha o noktada, düşündüğü anda zaten kaybetmiş olur; zira saldırmak kendine, kendi özüne ve tüm evrene karşı saldırmak anlamına gelir.”
Bu bağlamda, Tasavvuf öğretisi ile de örtüşen bu Uzak Doğu felsefesinin de işaret ettiği gibi; hepimiz aynı özün aynı bütünün birer parçası iken, özünde birbirimizden farkımız yokken, öfkenin ve saldırganlığın anlamsızlığı düşünmeye değerdir...
Aikido ekstra güç üretmez; saldıranın gücünden yararlanır, var olan gücü şekillendirir ve tekrar yönlendirir. Salt saldırı ya da savunma içermez; işbirliğine dayalıdır. Problemler karşısında tek bir noktaya saplanmadan, şartlar ne olursa olsun sakin, kararlı, güçlü ve kontrollü olmanın gerektiğini öğretir. Kişinin hem kendini tanımasını ve kendini kontrol edebilmesini hem de karşısındakiyle empati kurabilmesini sağlar..
5. Bedensel gevşeme teknikleri uygulayın ve fiziksel egzersiz yapın. Kendinize, bedeninize zaman ayırın... Duygu, düşünce, davranış ve beden arasında karşılıklı bir etkileşim olduğunu unutmayın. Düzenli olarak bedensel gevşeme teknikleri uygulayarak, kaslarınızı nasıl kontrol edebileceğinizi ve gerektiğinde nasıl gevşeyebileceğinizi öğrenin...
Copyright 2008. Her hakkı saklıdır, Serap Altekin'e aittir. İzinsiz alıntı yapılamaz.
Mehrzad Shariati
Dear Serap,
thanks a lot for your effort and we appreciate a lot. I would appreciate a lot tp write us some explanation in English language to get more in the detail.
thanks a lot
Mehrzad
Mehrzad Shariati Managing and Coping with Anger in the Workplace
Managing and Coping with Anger in the Workplace
Violence and destructive anger has reached an epidemic level in our culture and negatively impacts us in each arena and major tasks of life:
Social: Our relationships with others
Love: Our intimate relationships
Spiritual: The meaning and purpose of life
Work: Our occupation, the earning of a living
Anger and violent conflicts in the workplace has become one of Corporate America's biggest problems. In a recent Gallup poll, two (2) out of every ten (10) employees confessed to being angry enough to "hurt" some co-worker in the last six(6) months! Indeed, every day, literally thousands of employees are killing and maiming each other as a result of their mis-mangaged and uncontrolled anger and rage. Many more thousands of "innocent" by-standers/co-workers are also being hurt or killed in the process. Too many managers and bosses are losing their lives each year because of the angry and violent actions of disgruntled employees. Make no mistake about it, the modern workplace of today is dangerous and becoming increasingly more violent and you can easily be hurt or even lose your life if you don't know how to manage your anger and the anger of your co-workers.
Much of the problem contributing to the epidemic anger and violence occurring in the workplace is that many people have attitudes about themselves, about others and about life which predispose them to behave in ways that are irrational and disrespecting towards others. Such persons are "culturally incompetent" and are not "sensitive" to other people "feelings" ways of seeing, doing and understanding things. They lack "insight" about other people beliefs, values and practices and are unable to "dialogue" about their differences. And when conflicts arise, their lack of "insight" and cultural competence makes positive cooperation difficult and sometimes, even impossible. This kind of cultural "narrow-mindedness" is then perceived as disrespect by others and triggers their anger (rage) and its violent consequences.
I have found that most of the inter-employee problems, manager/employee problems and violent conflicts on the job, arise out of this negative context of cultural ignorance.
When co-workers, managers and employees learn how to make the transition from their mistaken or uninformed attitudes and expectations of others to more appropriate ones, their lives at work take on new meaning and purpose. They become capable of cooperating with each other as equal members of society. As employees, they become more efficient and productive at their job. They stop insulting and putting each other down and start helping each other up. They are moved into a relationship of mutual respect.
Mutual respect can be defined as a state in which two (or more) individuals respect themselves and each other in spite of their differences, faults and imperfections.
. In the context of mutual respect, each employee’s feelings of self respect and sense of worth and value is enhanced. Of course, this does not mean "compromising" with any legitimate expectations based on each employee respective role and job function. But it does mean "respecting" the other person "humanity" in spite of his professional shortcomings, cultural differences or lack of competence. Even when the other person makes it very difficult for us to respect them by making useless "anger mischief," we can still disengage from their inappropriate or unprofessional behavior and respect them in spite of it! He (she) will not cooperate with us until, and unless we do.
"Leonard"
Mehrzad Shariati Managing and Coping with Anger in Personal Relationships
Managing and Coping with Anger in Personal Relationships
Anger is energy
We feel it and it makes us want to do "something!" Hit someone, break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall or sometimes into another person! Uncontrolled and mismanaged anger is the number one cause of divorce and all estrangements! The problem most people are having in their personal relationships is anger. Actually, the problem is not anger per se, the problem is the "mismanagement" of anger. Conflict in our personal relationships is inevitable. There is bound to be conflict from time to time simply because we are each so unique in terms of our background and the values (baggage) we bring with us into our relationships. These differences are bound to lead to occasional or even sometimes frequent conflicts and disputes. When we do not know how to handle the anger of these conflicts appropriately, we will mismanage them every single time. Eventually, the accumulated disgust from our failed attempt to "resolve" our conflicts ultimately leads to the deterioration and end of our relationships.
The process of anger management
The process begins with investigating the nature of your OWN anger. Your "anger" is a part of your Own psycho-biography! It says something about YOU and you must find out what there is about you that makes you "vulnerable" to that which" triggers" your anger attacks in ht e first place. Especially those anger reactions which are way out of proportion to the reality of the situation. Someone's failure to remember your birthday is not grounds for a divorce! You are way angrier than the situation ( in reality) require and therefore, you must investigate and find out why your reaction is so drastic. One of the most common cause of "over-reactive" anger (rage) is the result of suppressed anger from the past! Most people have a pattern of "suppressing" their anger until the pressures, tensions and stress become intolerable. At this point, they usually "erupt" like a volcano! They find themselves doing and saying things they don't want to do. Stuff they know they'll regret in the morning. But they do it anyway. They don't know how not to over-react! They don't know where the button to turn their anger down or off is "emotionally" located. Fortunately for them, we do. Angermgmt.Com online and the books, CD's and phone counseling we make available helps these type of individuals stop "pretending" they don't get angry and help them find appropriate means of handling their anger before it builds into a rage. We relieve their frustration by giving them a more constructive way of getting the painful pressure caused by anger out of their system. Our Angermgmt.Com products and services helps them learn proven and effective techniques to manage their anger at others "appropriately". Those on the receiving end of our mismanaged anger are also in pain. Therefore, our anger management products and services will also teach individuals how to handle their angry and "aggressive" partners in ways that make the situation better, not worse. They learn how to stop defending their innocence or lack of fault which is not the issue. The "real" issue is the pain of their partner's out-of-control anger and rage and how to diffuse it! It is destroying them both. The partner learns how to relieve their loved one's pain and agony the right way. Their partner’s rage passes sooner and the relationship has passed a crisis. It becomes stronger than it was before. With practice, over time, their partner's anger attacks become less and less frequent or intense. Your partner is validated and provided with relief from their frustrations and anger. Relief they have never been provided with before!
When BOTH partners have learned these new therapeutic ways in expressing and handling each others anger and frustration, they are able to act in behalf of their own relationship. They have stopped over-reacting to each other's provocation in the relationship. They are able to transform an anger situation between them into the liberation of themselves from feeling victimized, out of control, powerless, and unappreciated. Instead, they begin to experience confidence, maturity, equality, belonging, trust and a deep sense of peace. Using some of the proven techniques from our books and CD's on anger management, they become able to replace their feelings of bitterness and hatred with feelings of love and mutual respect. Their behavior towards each other becomes more constructive, supportive and their relationship becomes more gratifying. They have learned from the anger management materials how to replace their discouragement with encouragement. They have earned the right to feel respected and to be respected in their relationship. They are no longer "marking time" until they are able to get a divorce. They are living in the present and things begin to fall into place.
"Leonard"

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Über die Gruppe "Anger Management"

  • Gegründet: 20.02.2008
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